You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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