I wanna bring you to show and tell
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
