Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
