Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
