I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize