someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
