theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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