If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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