based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
