I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize