the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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