thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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