birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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