I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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