I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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