I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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