Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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