Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
