I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
