I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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