You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
my god I love twenty year old dicks
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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