yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
