my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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