2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
