I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
