Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
