Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
