I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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