Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
