Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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