When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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