Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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