I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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