Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
