Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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