I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just saw a hot homeless man
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
