Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
