Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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