it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
