Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
