So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
