Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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