twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
