Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
