Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
