My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
