My hair reeks of homosexuality.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
