Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
