i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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