i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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