yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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