I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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