There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
