I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
