Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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