If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
