dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
