Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
