my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
