I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
