Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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