I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
