Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The uberlube is also flammable
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
