It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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