Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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